Four perky, clueless cheerleaders from the Happy Valley High Hamsters are mistakenly blamed by the meddling Church Ladies for the invasion of the "Internet smut" into their children's bedrooms. The Church Ladies hire Stephen, a sexually ambiguous teacher from the local Parochial Reform School, to teach the cheerleaders a lesson. But the cheerleaders have more than Stephen to worry about...lurking in the shadows is Mr. X, an evil mastermind who is using the cheerleaders as guinea pigs to test his Internet Zombie Domination software!

A corrupt jeweler hires an ex-insurance fraud investigator turned thief and her black-market partner to stage a robbery of his own store for the insurance payout. He also secretly recruits elusive con man Wilson Fish, who plans to betray everyone and escape with the stolen diamonds himself.